Bernie Borges [00:00:00]:
Doctor Dr. Mary Key, welcome to the Midlife Fulfilled podcast.
Dr. Mary Key [00:00:04]:
It’s great to be here with you, Bernie.
Bernie Borges [00:00:07]:
Thank you, Mary. It’s wonderful to have you. Mary, you are a very, very accomplished professional. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of knowing you in the local Tampa Bay business community for gosh. I’m gonna say it’s close to twenty years now, if we actually do the math. Yes. You are widely recognized as an accomplished international consultant, a lot of leadership consulting. You’re a multi time author, a speaker, or you work with organizations across a variety of industries, just to name a few, health care, manufacturing, consumer products, financial institutions, retail, and more.
Bernie Borges [00:00:47]:
You’ve written several books, including this one, Seizing Success, a woman’s guide to transformational leadership. And here’s the thing, Mary. I didn’t invite you on the podcast to discuss what a wonderful accomplished professional you are, even though there’s easily a lot we can discuss there. But there’s another dimension to you that I find very, very fascinating. I remember when, you first introduced me to it. I was really blown away by it. You had a very harrowing experience, and you you nearly died. And I’m gonna read something from your website, and then I’m gonna invite you to really unpack it, and we’ll have a conversation around it.
Bernie Borges [00:01:30]:
And here’s from your website, it says, it took two open heart surgeries for me to literally and spiritually learn about the true nature of living life with an open heart. When I distill the lessons learned, there are three. Letting go, surrendering to the situation, and forgiving everyone and expressing gratitude. So, Mary, let’s unpack that those three because I know you’ve got a lot to share. Where would you like to begin?
Dr. Mary Key [00:02:01]:
Well, I think, Bernie, it might be nice just to chat a little bit about the background before I went in for heart surgery. So I’ve always been athletic. I had not been in a hospital overnight since I was born. I was at the peak of what I felt like the peak of my career, busy all the time. The one thing is I was going from one thing to the next and just noticed that I became highly task oriented even in a relational practice that I really enjoyed. And so, what I was doing at the time is I started my own practice after having worked with two large consulting firms, and Inc Magazine hired me as a subcontractor to help them set up CEO round tables around the country. So I was working with all these hard charging CEOs, helping them grow their businesses, and, you know, the issues were always around things like merger acquisition, positioning myself, for exit, how to make the business scalable, all of those things that, you know, people in working on their on their companies are interested in. And I began to notice that I was getting breathy, and I was in an event.
Dr. Mary Key [00:03:11]:
It was with my husband, and I was in a parking garage. And, you know, because we’re both used to running up things, he goes, oh, let’s not wait for the elevator. Let’s just run up the stairs. And I stopped dead on one of the platforms. I just was overwhelmed and I said, I can’t breathe really well right now. So I I we kinda didn’t pay as much attention to it immediately. And once I got home, I called a cardiologist and I was examined and discovered that my heart went into AFib. And I had been seeing a cardiologist regularly, but I really didn’t have any ill side effects up until this point.
Dr. Mary Key [00:03:51]:
And, my cardiologist looked me in the eye and said it’s time, and I said it’s time for what? And he said it’s time to have your mitral valve repaired. Since I was a kid, I had a condition called a regurgitation. So every time my heart would pump, there would be a big stream of blood that would go backward and then my heart would repump it. So your heart’s a muscle and, my heart was growing. So it was, you know, kind of following what it should be doing, but it was becoming too large for my chest cavity. So my first surgery, I thought it went really well. In fact, the blogs I sent you and the picture on it, is of me recovering from my first heart surgery, which I thought, okay. I’m fine.
Dr. Mary Key [00:04:32]:
I’m gonna get right back into all of this and just pick up where I left off.
Bernie Borges [00:04:38]:
When I And that that was that was open heart surgery?
Dr. Mary Key [00:04:41]:
Yes. It was open heart surgery and it was done in South Florida. And what happened was I had these symptoms where I began to lose extraordinary amounts of weight. Like, I’m normally, like, a size six or eight size two clothing started falling off me And, you know, it and and I was sick, and I would report to them, and it would kind of blow me off and say, well, just come down here. And so finally, I started spotting blood clots and couldn’t walk, so I was rushed to the hospital locally and, had to undergo emergency open heart surgery. So this time, what appeared to be a real tragedy to me at you know, and I’m sure many people have felt this way when different health issues have arisen for themselves or or further from their families or loved ones. For me, it was, serious because, first of all, I almost died. But when I was recovering, the doctor said to me, you know, your rejection fraction, which is what gives your heart juice, should be about 52 and yours is 26.
Dr. Mary Key [00:05:49]:
I don’t think you’re gonna be able to work full time anymore unless the situation changes. You can just imagine, Bernie, I was crestfallen. I I just so I thought, okay. If I’m not gonna be able to work full time, what am I really passionate about? And I I think if I can convey anything from my story to your viewers, it’s that. Don’t wait until a crisis to really sit down and say to yourself, what am I really passionate about? How do I wanna spend the precious time I have left? There’s all sorts of reasons. You know, I have clients. I have to make money, to pay bills. And there’s all these things, but when you begin to think about what’s your heart’s passion.
Dr. Mary Key [00:06:37]:
So the book you held in your hand, Seizing Success, a Woman’s Guide to Transformational Leadership, actually came from the experience of starting the Key Women’s Leadership Forum. I decided that I really love facilitating roundtable groups for people in senior roles. Many women are in senior roles, not necessarily the CEO. So I thought, if I get better, I’d like to pilot bringing together executive women in small groups to focus not only on their career issues, but aligning mind, body, spirit, and career. So that’s how I started the Key Women’s Leadership Forum, and that’s what came out of that whole ordeal. That was a gift. I wanna go back to your original question.
Bernie Borges [00:07:24]:
Yeah. Yeah. That that’s wonderful context because, you know, your reminder to me and to, watchers and listeners to really prioritize the things that we’re passionate about right now is a great reminder. So thank you. You, of course, had to have a very difficult experience to get reminded of that yourself. So, yeah, let’s unpack those three things that you learned, I guess, starting with letting go. Right?
Dr. Mary Key [00:07:49]:
Yes. And so okay. I gave you the big picture and how it proceeded, but what was the process? K. So after my first surgery, I was furious because I got sick again. And this time, I felt and it turned out that I had contracted a bacterial infection on the table and had endocarditis, which is very dangerous. My heart was filling up with bacteria, and it was not detected. And so, you know, I had to let go of the possibility that I can be laying here being miserable, or I can just enjoy as much as I can the moment. So surrendering to the moment became very important and hand in hand with that, the second thing was forgiving.
Dr. Mary Key [00:08:41]:
I was so mad at the doctors for damaging me because the original procedure, it wasn’t for the faint of heart, but it was nowhere near as dangerous as it became because of the infection.
Bernie Borges [00:08:53]:
Mhmm.
Dr. Mary Key [00:08:54]:
And so as I slowly progressed, I looked at, okay, what can I be grateful for? And so every day, I would look for things. And some days, I’ll be honest with you, it was hard. And some days, you know, I was pretending like I was letting go, but I was in so much pain and I was so tired that, you know, it was like, I just I don’t want to bother. But I kept reminding myself, no. I wanna do this in terms of surrendering and really letting go. And that’s the concept that has been around for a long time, but people are talking about it more and more. When we talk about being mindful or staying in the present, it’s really letting go about the anticipated future or fears about the past and really staying present to where you are. So letting go became very powerful to me.
Bernie Borges [00:09:45]:
Yeah. I’ve I’ve I’ve I’ve got a thought I wanna share with you because what’s running through my mind is I’m listening to you tell the story, and now this is the second time that I’m hearing the story. And I’m hearing things, at least my in my mind, I’m interpreting things that I didn’t interpret maybe the the first time. And that is you know, Mary, that my platform is five pillars. Right? Health, fitness, career, relationships, and legacy. And a common question that I’m asked is why is health and fitness separate when they’re really very interrelated? And my simple response is health alone is a humongous pillar. Let’s not make it any bigger. Fitness deserves its own pillar, but in health, there’s physical and mental health.
Bernie Borges [00:10:27]:
And it seems to me that your experience impacted both your physical health as well as your mental health. And I’m wondering if maybe you can first of all, do you agree, and would you wanna comment on that?
Dr. Mary Key [00:10:41]:
You’re right on with that, Bernie, and I would separate them as well. And let me tell you why. Focusing on your health is a positive habit that builds your strength. And, truthfully, the doctor told me, if I hadn’t been as fit as I was, I probably would have died. But the health is you know, my dad died at 42 of a heart attack. I mean, I’m not saying that this was all because of genetics, but we all have something. And your health and doing the best things for your health are a huge area of focus. So I see them as related, but I do think it’s important to have the habit of working out, doing things that you enjoy doing, but getting the right kind of exercise.
Dr. Mary Key [00:11:24]:
The cardio, the strength building, especially as you get older, all of those things are very, very important. But with and and taking the right vitamins and those kinds of things. But then there are health things that come up. You know? I have a lot of friends I used to run with. They have terrible knees. So so the the they kinda went overboard a little bit on physical activity running marathons, and now their health is really impacted, and they’ve had knee replacements. Yeah. So, yeah, they’re very related.
Bernie Borges [00:11:55]:
Okay. Now the three lessons that you documented in your blog posts, letting go, forgiveness, and gratitude
Dr. Mary Key [00:12:03]:
Right.
Bernie Borges [00:12:04]:
Once again, similar question, Mary. How do those impact other areas of your life, specifically in in my five pillars? Right? Your career, because clearly you did not retire, your relationships, and to whatever extent, your legacy quest as well.
Dr. Mary Key [00:12:23]:
Well, for me, just staying in the moment and and not allowing fear. And, you know, you have an element of PTSD if you’ve had the kind of surgery I had. So, you know, it’s important to manage that. So one of the things I talk about in some of the writing I’ve done is a technique from doctor David Hawkins, who wrote a great book called Letting Go. And I use this technique. It’s very simple, but it’s very powerful. And that is feel the emotion. Like, for me, it was feeling scared and discouraged.
Dr. Mary Key [00:12:56]:
But just feel it, but don’t hook it back to a story or to a in it awful or to the future. Just allow your body to feel it and breathe into it. And the feeling does dissipate. So you’re beginning to let go and feel better about those things using your body, but not necessarily using all the self talk that can be very negative in that situation. So, now I step back from situations when they become really tense or I notice that I’m getting overly invested to the point where I might not be hearing others, take some breaths, and, redirect myself. So letting go is really about letting go of the outcome. I had to let go of the outcome until my heart got better, till my ejection fraction got to 52. I couldn’t pick up that same work schedule.
Dr. Mary Key [00:13:52]:
But when I picked it up this the next time after the surgeries, I had this energy beyond my own previously because I was really doing something I was passionate about, and it was the women’s forums. It was impacting women’s lives and then these executive women would share this with those they led. So I felt to your other dimension legacy that this was part of my legacy.
Bernie Borges [00:14:21]:
Yeah. Clearly. And not only a part of your legacy and a and a big part of your legacy, but also your career pillar. Right? Because you channeled all of that passion, all of that devotion into this chapter of your career, and you did it, so beautifully and so effectively in ways that not only impacted a lot of women, but was just good for you and your career. You were doing something you felt really, really good about.
Dr. Mary Key [00:14:49]:
As a speaker, I have talked about the topic of, a large client asked me to address their annual meeting, and they asked me to speak about ways of staying calm in the craziness of how life has become. Especially when you work they they they worked in a very customer focused service, and so there was a lot of complaining and a lot of stuff going on. So one of the techniques I actually taught from the stage was something that heart coherence group has done a lot of research and a lot of work on heart coherence, aligning your heart, and then coming together with other people and aligning yourselves at the same time. So we were talking about first, what is some of the breathing and what are some of the ways using heart coherence techniques that you can personally surrender and stay calm, and then how can you as a team employ those together. And so this did spill over into my career, sometimes very directly.
Bernie Borges [00:15:54]:
Now you said earlier something I wanna come back to because it’s powerful and it’s very true. You said letting go and forgiveness go hand in hand. Right? When you let go, you you have a greater, my words, not yours, greater capacity to forgive. And, speaking for a friend, wink wink, forgiveness does not come easily to a lot of people against speaking for a friend. So maybe you can speak to that because, like, what is your view of that now? Meaning, on the other side of that experience versus previous to that, did you look at, you know, letting go and forgiveness differently before you went through this experience?
Dr. Mary Key [00:16:36]:
A bit. I have always I did my doctoral dissertation on empathy. So I’ve always been interested in things of the heart, compassion, empathy in different forms. So I noticed that when someone would apologize to me and they were genuine, I could forgive them very easily. The things that were not easy to forgive were when people didn’t even acknowledge that they did something hurtful even if they found out that they did. And so I was a conditional forgiver, I supposed to, you know, in the spirit, you know, and whatever your spiritual beliefs, but, you know, Christ and and, Buddha and, you know, a lot of spiritual masters have talked about the power of forgiveness, but it’s not a selective thing. So my challenge was this, and you think about it. Here I am, a perfectly well person.
Dr. Mary Key [00:17:34]:
I had the surgery. I reported all the symptoms I was having. I didn’t even go into some that, you know, today. But I had some symptoms that would have alarmed anyone. And my surgeon, I’m not gonna mention at the time, ignored those. And he was, you know, south of me, so it was it was very difficult. So I got to the point where I almost died because my second surgery, my my husband was with the doctor. It was nine hours and it was just to save my life.
Dr. Mary Key [00:18:01]:
And so at this point, they were taking all the infection out of me. They were replacing my repaired heart valve with a cow valve, and they weren’t sure I was gonna wake up. So when I when I did wake up and that’s when I found out that my injection fraction was limited and all of that. I really wanted to be mad, and believe me, I have a lot of people that said to me, oh my god. You got the most amazing court case. I mean, here you were, you know, you need to go sue x y z health care facility. And, you know, I’ve I noticed how sick it made me feel just trying to focus on that and wanting to, you know, muster my energy to get mad. And I thought, you know, this this can’t be the alternative for me.
Dr. Mary Key [00:18:44]:
And so I went back to my faith, my spiritual, beliefs. And and I really started thinking about, well, what is forgiveness? And letting go and just saying, okay. I’m gonna go forward with this and not try to have retribution. Now I’m not telling your audience don’t report, you know, someone who has blatantly hurt you in any way.
Bernie Borges [00:19:10]:
Sure.
Dr. Mary Key [00:19:10]:
But I don’t think that the surgeon and the facility it was actually a facility, in, you know, in the prep. They didn’t intentionally try to hurt me. And so I, you know, I really was able to let that go, but it taught me about letting more things go faster. And I noticed that when I did, sometimes the things I thought were false against me, people weren’t even paying attention. It was nothing about me. It was just they were in a bad mood that day or
Bernie Borges [00:19:40]:
Right.
Dr. Mary Key [00:19:40]:
You know, whatever. And, so I I became became amused at all the things I used to that bother me because I’m a sensitive person and, how forgiveness really helped me get over that.
Bernie Borges [00:19:53]:
So, Mary, it sounds to me like your life’s aperture was widened. You became even more aware of opportunities to let go and forgive way beyond this one experience. You know, you’re explaining the experience and and how you arrived at letting go and forgiving the the surgeons and the facility, all the the the health care practitioners. But in the context of life, it really sounds like it just heightened your ability to do that in general. What I wanna know now is now that you you came to that realization of letting go and forgiveness, how did you bridge to gratitude?
Dr. Mary Key [00:20:34]:
Well, gratitude was something that, you know, I always believed gratitude from a lot of the work I had done on myself personally was was very important. So I amplified that practice, and I forced myself because it’s easy to feel very sorry for yourself. You know? I’m I don’t look like I used to. You know, at the time, I’m looking better now, but I looked pretty bad then. You know, I can’t do the things I used to do. I may not be able to have the career I used to have. You know? So there’s a lot it becomes slimmer. The pickings are slimmer.
Dr. Mary Key [00:21:10]:
And so I think gratitude is a practice. One of the things I try to do every day is select at least three things I’m grateful for, and that’s a wonderful reminder. It’s a great practice. And then I always try to be grateful to people when they do something for me. It’s amazing how much you get in return. Not that you’re doing it for that reason, but gratitude does spawn appreciation, and it spreads kindness.
Bernie Borges [00:21:37]:
Okay. Well, there’s so much there. What about in your coaching with executives, whether it’s in the context of your women’s group or just in general, because I know you work with organizations outside the women’s group. This notion of gratitude, how does that fit into career?
Dr. Mary Key [00:21:55]:
Well, I think it it really helps people feel better about their career and what they’re doing, but it certainly also makes you more pleasant to be around. I think when people are attuned to gratitude, They’re paying attention to some of the little things that rushing or multitasking blurs you to. And so I think that on an individual basis, especially, you know, with your one on one clients, like an executive coaching work that I do, or when you’re working with a team, you know, sometimes sometimes you have someone that if you express some gratitude for some piece of what they’re doing, even if they’re not, in general, being particularly helpful, it makes a shift. So I I found it as a very powerful tool, just like empathizing with others as opposed to rushing right in with something or, asking good open ended questions before you start telling people what you think. All of those things become part of how you want to be with people. And so when I notice that I’m getting crabby, usually that’s when I’m tired or when I’m hungry, I try to address that so that I shield myself from my tendency and everyone else’s to to sort of not be yourself sometimes when you’re pissed off.
Bernie Borges [00:23:24]:
Yeah. And I know something that you and I have discussed, offline is the the power of self awareness. I know we’re both very big on self awareness. And it seems to me that, you know, this experience that you have had that has led you to letting go and forgiving and being grateful, the level of self awareness that you can experience and then just take that into every single pillar of your life. Sure. I mean, it’s transformational.
Dr. Mary Key [00:23:53]:
If you are in every pillar, then it has to go with you.
Bernie Borges [00:23:58]:
Exactly. Exactly. You can’t leave it outside. Right?
Dr. Mary Key [00:24:01]:
Right.
Bernie Borges [00:24:04]:
Yeah. That that is amazing. So you mentioned something earlier, and I thought you were gonna say something else. And what I thought you were gonna say, Mary, was that you’ve had clients ask you to actually share the story for the purpose of what you learned from it, the lessons learned, and how that can be applicable to them. Did I misunderstand that?
Dr. Mary Key [00:24:26]:
I have done that in certain cases. Yes. In fact, as I was attracting, women to join our forum, I would hold coffees, and I would tell an abbreviated version of this story from the perspective of why did I start the women’s forum. And it it really wasn’t so much about me as it is about discovering that the alignment of mind, body, spirit, and career, especially for busy women who are in leadership roles, is critical, to fulfillment in life. And I know that’s what you talk about. So, you know, my midlife crisis
Bernie Borges [00:25:05]:
was
Dr. Mary Key [00:25:05]:
a little different than some in that. My it was all about my heart surgery, but, I found in what could have been and was for a while feeling like the worst thing that ever happened to me, actually, was one of the best things, if not the best thing, because of the redirection to purposeful work and the impact it has on other people.
Bernie Borges [00:25:29]:
That’s amazing. And when I reflect on gratitude one, they’re they’re they’re obviously cumulative. Right? You you have to first let go, then forgive, then be able to look at the situation with gratitude and and just have this wider perspective of gratitude. And one of the
Dr. Mary Key [00:25:47]:
I’m not sure though it’s it’s it’s sequential. I know it can be, but letting go is a practice in itself. And sometimes letting go, you’re not forgiving anybody. You know, you’re letting go of wanting your way. Or, you know, it can be as simple as your partner or or spouse really wants to have Mexican food and, you know, you want Thai and you really don’t like Yeah.
Bernie Borges [00:26:10]:
But it’s hard to forgive without letting go.
Dr. Mary Key [00:26:13]:
Well, you would let that go. You would say, you know what? Okay. Let’s let’s go have Mexican food. It’s just letting go of your way and then there’s nobody to forgive. But if you have a fight about it, then that’s what the food
Bernie Borges [00:26:25]:
is. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. The gratitude one, though, I wanna unpack that one a little bit more because here’s what I was thinking about when you when I was listening to you, and that is there are a lot of people that are struggling in their career through layoffs, reductions in force, which is basically the same thing. And, you know, we’re seeing it in the government. We’re seeing it in private industry.
Dr. Mary Key [00:26:46]:
Sure.
Bernie Borges [00:26:47]:
And so a lot of people are impacted by that. And so it’s hard to say I’m grateful for when you’re in that situation. But if you take that lens and say, well, look. I’m grateful for the relationships I’ve built. I’m grateful for the experience, which you can list off 25 aspects of detail in your experience. And and look at that with gratitude so that then you can channel that into going in another direction or in the same direction, whatever it may be, but to whatever that next chapter is, but beginning with the gratitude for all of those things that already exist in your life.
Dr. Mary Key [00:27:24]:
Absolutely. And that’s why being grateful if you have good health is huge because there’s so many people who don’t feel like they can look for work because of their health and how they feel. And so, you you know, look at your five areas and pick up things in those that you’re grateful for. The other thing that’s really powerful that’s separate from what we’re talking about, but related, which I did all the time and still do, is the importance of visualizing the outcome. So if you can stay open and, you know, do the breathing, stay present, and then have a visual picture where you’re actually feeling the emotion of, what does it feel like when I get this job that I really like? And I’m picturing what I’m doing. I might not know what it is or what it’s called. So, doing that, I used to do that in the morning. I meditate in the morning.
Dr. Mary Key [00:28:22]:
And after my meditation, they’re not the same thing, I would work on manifesting what I wanted to do next. So I used that when I was really sick in the hospital the second time to actually come up with the women’s forums, and it sort of fell into place. I had a friend who was concerned about my health, and she came to visit me. And, you know, she’s a real feminist. And she’s like, oh, I’m tired of all those CEOs, and they’re mostly men. Why don’t you focus on women? And, you know, don’t make it a big deal that they have to be a CEO. And a light went off. But, you know, so I would interject also if someone’s in that situation, the real importance of manifestation and the correct ways of doing that.
Dr. Mary Key [00:29:06]:
And it is to have a vivid picture if you can and to also feel the emotions you’re feeling when you have achieved that.
Bernie Borges [00:29:15]:
Mary, this conversation has been therapeutic for me, and I, I would I would assume that at least for some people who take the time to listen to this episode or watch this episode, I would suggest the same. I mean, your experience was harrowing, as I said at the beginning of the introduction. But then you also said that it was the best thing that ever happened to you, which is something that’s hard for most of us to kinda get our head around given what you experienced, but I understand the point that you’re making. I wanna thank you for sharing the story, the journey, your learnings, and invite you to share with my listener how they can connect with you and get into your world.
Dr. Mary Key [00:29:56]:
Thank you, Bernie. And I just maybe another way of quickly saying it is that we all have different paths, and sometimes, there’s a treasure in, you know, what appears to be danger. And, you know, the danger is there, but but there’s a treasure, so please always look for the treasure too. You can get a hold of me at my website, doctor mary key dot com. Email, doctor mary key dot com, no period in the doctor. And, also, I’m on LinkedIn, Dr. Mary Key.
Bernie Borges [00:30:28]:
Fantastic. Well, Mary Mailer Center knows that all that will be linked up in the show notes for this episode. So once again, doctor Dr. Mary Key, thank you so much for joining me for this episode of the Midlife Fulfilled podcast.
Dr. Mary Key [00:30:43]:
Such a pleasure, Britney. Thank you.
