Kimmy Seltzer | Dating Strategist | Midlife Fulfilled Podcast

Ep 166 A Journey to Self-Discovery and Sexy Confidence in Middle Age

Kimmy Seltzer enlightens with insights on style, dating, and personal growth, inspiring all of us to embrace self-discovery and regain confidence.

This week’s guest is Kimmy Seltzer. Kimmy is a confidence therapist, dating strategist, and image expert for men and women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond. Kimmy shares her authentic journey through a midlife crisis, divorce, and the transformative power of a “red dress moment.”

In this episode Kimmy enlightens listeners with insights on style, dating, and personal growth, inspiring all of us in a midlife season to embrace self-discovery and regain confidence.

Tune in as we delve into the nuances of flirting, personal growth, and the symbiotic relationship between inner and outer confidence. This episode is filled with wisdom, personal anecdotes, and actionable tips to help you navigate midlife with charisma and fulfillment whether or not you are in the dating scene.

Here are three key points from our conversation:

1️⃣ Confidence transcends age and relationship status. Kimmy shared her own midlife journey, highlighting the powerful impact of personal transformation on our confidence, regardless of where we are in life.

2️⃣ The relationship between inner and outer confidence is real. From the significance of colors and clothes that flatter body types to embracing emotional expression and vulnerability, Kimmy’s insights shed light on the meaning of “sexy confidence.”

3️⃣ Self-discovery doesn’t have an expiration date. Whether you’re re-entering the dating scene or simply navigating through life’s transitions, Kimmy’s expertise in unlocking authentic confidence and charisma offers invaluable wisdom for all.

🔥 My affiliate link to Castmagic, which I used to help produce these show notes. 🔥

Connect with Kimmy Seltzer
Kimmy’s Style Guide
The Charisma Quotient

Watch this episode on YouTube

Click or tap here to download the 5-Step Career Reboot Checklist.

Episode Transcript

Bernie Borges [00:00:00]:
Kimmy Seltzer, welcome to the Midlife Fulfill podcast, a maximum episode.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:00:06]:
Thanks for having me. I’m super excited about this conversation.

Bernie Borges [00:00:10]:
So am I. So am I, Kimi. This is a topic I have not not yet covered on the Midlife Fulfill podcast. I’m excited. Let me introduce you to my audience. Kimmy, you are a confidence therapist. You’re a dating strategist. You’re an image expert.

Bernie Borges [00:00:27]:
You’re a certified coach. You’re a matchmaker. You are unique in so many ways. You’ve got an amazing body of work. I’ve I’ve watched your TED talk. We we we have to hear something about that. You’re a podcaster. We met at Podfest, a podcasting conference.

Bernie Borges [00:00:46]:
Your podcast is The Charisma Quotient. I have been binge binge listening to it, even though I am not in the dating scene. But I’m really impressed and amazed by the how relevant what you’re talking about, what you teach on, what you coach on, how relevant it can be to us in midlife in other areas of our life. So first, let’s begin with, tell us your backstory. Tell us specifically about the red dress because that’s a big part of your backstory and how you got to where you are now.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:01:20]:
Yeah. Thank you for asking me about my story because I I always chuckle when I hear people reading back my bio, and I and thank you, by the way for not doing that. You just kinda, like, did it in a more conversational way. Because the real reason why I got into what I do is because of my own hot mess, my own story. You know? And never in a 1000000 years would I have thought that I would be doing what I do. And so my backstory is is that I was leaving I don’t know. I was leading a very traditional life, so to speak. I was a good girl from Chicago living the Midwest dream, had had the picket fence and the dog and a couple of kids.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:02:00]:
I still have the kids by the way, but you see where the story’s going. I did have a husband at the time, and I practice as a therapist in a very traditional way. Right? And so my life, I thought, was going on as planned until one day, we all pick up and we move across the country. We plop down here in La La Land. I’m in Los Angeles now, and that’s when the record stopped. Like, that’s when my whole life, my traditional life as I knew it completely disappeared. And quite honestly, I did not know what I was gonna do with my new life because as soon as we got here, we we ended up doing what all the other people here do, and that is get a divorce. I’m joking.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:02:40]:
I like to blame LA a lot, but we would have been here anyway for sure. And I think it was us just being removed from kind of like an insulated cushion of our life where we were just faced with all these problems, you know, as those, like, the cushion was removed. So I really and the the kicker was here I am a therapist. Right? I should know better. I should know how to, like, heal myself, get back out there, date, and do all the things that I helped other people with. And mind you, up until that point, I really believed in working from the inside out. Okay?

Bernie Borges [00:03:20]:

Kimmy Seltzer [00:03:21]:
And so I did. I went to counseling myself. You and I were just chatting about this. I had a coach. I had like, I did all the work. Right? And everybody said to me, so, Kimmy, you know, how are you doing? And are you gonna go back out there and date? I said, oh, yeah. But you know what? I’m just working on myself. I’m I’m not really ready.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:03:42]:
But then as time went on, it became a crutch. I just sat there with analysis paralysis and doing the work became an excuse because I was really just fearful of taking action of actually going out and doing something right. And so I really was stuck. I was stuck in my mindset. I was stuck in just this kind of cocoon that I was in. And really, if you had looked at me back then, if you’re watching this on YouTube, you see I’m in this bright top. I would, I was not wearing bright colors at the time. I was all in black, maybe a splash of beige in my closet.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:04:19]:
And all my clothes were huge on me, and I I literally looked like a hot mess. I mean and, again, this was in, like, a midlife kind of crisis. Like, we mean, I know that that’s really the focus of this podcast. And, like, I could not believe that I was in this position. I never thought that that would be my life. And one day, I just took a look in the career. And this was kinda like what my TEDx talk was about because it was really that moment when I saw myself and I I was horrified. And, like, here I am with wearing nursing bras.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:04:55]:
It wasn’t even nursing any longer still with disheveled hair and ginormous clothes. I said, okay, enough is enough. I need to take action and stop just doing this thing. And so I decided to do something very untraditional and that is go shopping, shopping therapy. Right? So I go shopping because nothing actually was fitting me anymore. I didn’t even realize it was losing weight. It was I was stressed out, that kind of thing. So it wasn’t really necessarily for a good reason, but nonetheless, I mean, I just I I nothing was fitting me.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:05:26]:
And I think I’m going to the store to up level myself. And what am I doing now? I’m putting all black clothes in my arms. I’m doing the same darn thing that I always do. So this personal shopper, she was watching me, and she comes up to me. She says, ma’am, I really think you should try this on. And she holds up this red dress that looked like 3 sizes too small, and it was red. I said that’s really sweet of you but that’s really not my size and that’s so not my color. She says honey that is your size That is your color.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:06:01]:
Try it on.

Bernie Borges [00:06:02]:
That is great. I like that. That is so awesome.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:06:06]:
And this is what I call my red dress moment that you were You’re in a trance. Like I literally felt like I was in a trance. You’re in a trance. Like, I literally felt like I was in a trance for a very long time, and it was like poof. It was like, yeah. What am I doing? I’m just going through the motion. So I grabbed the dress and I squeeze into it like Cinderella. I turn around once again and bam.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:06:36]:
And I just kept staring at myself and I was like, wow, I feel like a princess. And I just hadn’t seen myself in that law that for really was a really long time that I had felt that way too. And so I bought the dress almost as a costume and I called it a costume because I didn’t really think that it was me. I said, you know, I’m just gonna go out there in the world. I’m gonna wear this dress and what the heck. Let’s see what happens. And so I did. And I, Bernie, I wore it everywhere.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:07:08]:
I wore it to the coffee shops. I wore it to the grocery store. I took it upon myself to almost it was like an experiment and here’s the kicker. I started noticing You men you alien men who I health like oh my god, I you know, I didn’t know what to do in terms of flirting or putting myself out there. I noticed men noticing me. Mhmm. And I realized

Bernie Borges [00:07:34]:
What what a surprise.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:07:37]:
Well, I know. I was no. I was totally surprised, and you don’t even realize that this whole time when I was in a trance, when I was in the black clothes, the black clothes was a cloak to keep me invisible from you all because I was really scared.

Bernie Borges [00:07:52]:

Kimmy Seltzer [00:07:53]:
And so here’s where kind of the birth of my new business came out of because I realized there was a symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner when it comes to confidence that it’s not superficial. How we appear on the outside, how we move through life, the energy that we have, what we put on our bodies, our body language, all really directly impacts how we feel inside and vice versa. So in that, I just, my God, I am like, I need to practice being seen before anything health, before I go online, before I say, oh, I’m dating. I’m like, this is my journey. So I did. I started practicing that, and then I started really enjoying being seen. And then I had another problem. Then I had to learn how to talk to you guys and flirt.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:08:41]:
You know, it’s like one thing to be seen, you know, another thing to have a conversation. Right? And so Alright. Obviously, there’s another story after that. But that’s where Yeah.

Bernie Borges [00:08:48]:
Before you go into that, I I wanna pause for a moment because I I wanna get to a punch line, Kimmy, and that is something that excited me about this conversation. Because, you know, at first, I thought to myself, well, most podcast listeners are anonymous, meaning I don’t know who’s listening to this podcast, and I surely don’t know who’s dating and who’s not dating. But what I discovered in listening to your podcast and consuming your content, we talked about this before we press record, is that time and time again, people that you work with in the dating scene go through a self discovery process. So would you speak to that?

Kimmy Seltzer [00:09:28]:
Yeah. And, self discovery is is huge, and I think that’s what I love helping people so much with is it is that transformation. It’s it’s it’s almost like a time to reinvent yourself, and especially if you’re in this kind of midlife, era that you’re in. It’s a beautiful time to, you know, say, what is it that I want? Who am I? Especially as coming into the singlehood, like, who am I separate from my partner? You know, your identity gets wrapped up as a couple, especially if it’s been years years years. It’s like, wow. This is a chance to emancipate myself to, like, do things that I wanna do in a whole new way and figure out what I want. I think that was the biggest thing, and that’s something that a lot of people struggle with. Like, I offer free calls for people, and I’ll ask that magic question of, you know, if you had a magic wand and waved it in the air, what would be different? Most people can’t really tell me.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:10:28]:
They really don’t know what they want. And so having clarity and also not having guilt around what it is that you want, That’s where the self discovery comes because once you figure out, hey, I just maybe wanna have a little fun. I don’t want a relationship right now. I wanna, like, learn how to flirt. I want, like, really almost the skills that are needed to feel sexy, to feel confident, then that’s when you can start making a plan for that self discovery and and do something about it. So, yeah, like the makeovers are such an important part of that process. Getting new clothes, maybe, you know, some people end up getting a haircut, you know, that external shift that starts happening. You and I were talking about working out like people get healthier and during these times and maybe they start eating different.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:11:18]:
They work out more. And again, that all helps build on that confidence. But the other, I think, I don’t know, discovery that happens is the social aspect as well because you really get to see a maybe a new tribe that you need in this point in your life.

Bernie Borges [00:11:40]:
And you used the phrase sexy confidence. Let’s unpack that a little bit because on the surface, that can sound like something that people who are single, people who are in dating in the dating scene would care about. What is sexy confidence? What is it first and foremost? And why should people care about it regardless of whether or not you’re in the dating scene?

Kimmy Seltzer [00:12:05]:
Yeah. That’s such a good question because, you know, I’ve been working with a lot of people who actually get into relationships, you know, even after they have been single. And one theme that everybody always wants to continue with is and that is just feeling sexy, feeling attractive. And, you know, the way that I see confidence, I define it a little bit differently than a lot of people. I just think confidence is experience. That’s all it is. And I don’t believe there’s one person out there who’s not confident in something. It’s just that they haven’t had either enough experience or positive exposure to something to build on that.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:12:47]:
Right? And so it’s like when you first started your job, 1st day at work, you probably weren’t that confident. How did you get there? Yeah. Just kept doing it over and over and over again, and now you could do it with your eyes closed. So sexy confidence is no different. So when it comes to, like, the midlife time, a lot of in our own mind’s eye, what happens is we see maybe if we did feel confident at one time, that person who was younger maybe thinner didn’t have some of the stuff that was going on in their bodies and so they look in the mirror and they’re not feeling as attractive. And I always tell people it’s not about the man. It’s not about the woman. It’s about you.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:13:30]:
Because when you look in the mirror and you say, I got it going on, that’s when other people do too. And this is so important, not only if you’re single, but in relationships as well. It affects the partnership. And so, you know, I usually work in 3 different areas of confidence whether I’m building the sexy confidence or just confidence overall and actually is it’s the name of the podcast and that’s the Charisma Quotient. I don’t even know if you knew that.

Bernie Borges [00:13:58]:

Kimmy Seltzer [00:13:58]:
yeah. Yeah. So I’ve kind of these three pillars within the Charisma Quotient. The first one being what I call style intelligence. And that’s kind of what we’ve been talking about, you know, overall, just how we dress our body language, our energy, you know, how we kind of appear on the outside.

Bernie Borges [00:14:18]:
Even knowing what colors are good for you versus colors that are not good colors for you.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:14:24]:
Oh, color is huge. Well and if you want me to go into, like, tips in each area, we can after that because I like, I love giving people quick tips because everybody could, like, do a closet audit right now.

Bernie Borges [00:14:36]:
Yeah. Again, even if the listener is not in the dating scene, like, I’m not in the dating scene, but, hey, I’m I’m always open for tips. Absolutely.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:14:44]:
Well, everybody wants to feel attractive. At the end of the day, I don’t care how old you are. Like, I’ve I’ve done a makeover and a whole, like, process and building someone’s sexy confidence with an 85 year old woman. And do you know that she picked up a guy at a bar after doing the makeover with so it’s like you’re never too old. You’re never too young to, like, not only feel youthful, but attractive as well. So the outside is the quickest way if you think about it. There’s not too many things in life that gets that instant gratification. Right? And when you look in the mirror and you see something different, it was it is like my red dress moment.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:15:23]:
So, yes, helping people with their color and clothes that flatter their body type. You know, I’m very scientific in the way I approach clothes because when you know what works for your body and what to stay away from, it helps build that body confidence in your clothes too. And so, again, you’re gonna appear different in the world. Now the 2nd pillar in building sexy confidence is also I work with emotional intelligence, how we express ourselves. It’s our vulnerability. It’s our authenticity, how resilient we are, how we bounce back from things because we know we’re worth it. So I think the internal is super important. And then the 3rd pillar is your social intelligence, which is how we manage interpersonal communication.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:16:10]:
It’s how we are comfortable in social situation. And yes, that includes flirting. Flirting is a big part of my business because when you learn how to flirt, that is that energy, that magnetism, that charisma that just draws people to you. And again, when you get that feedback, it helps you feel sexy.

Bernie Borges [00:16:32]:
Okay. So

Kimmy Seltzer [00:16:32]:
again, somebody at it.

Bernie Borges [00:16:34]:
I have a question for you on this, and I’ve been dying to ask you this question. And, Kimmy, I waited until we’re actually recording. Even though you and I spoke before I pressed record, I waited, pressed beyond the recording. I love that. Okay. So as I mentioned, I’m not on a dating scene. I’ve been married 36 years. Can I still flirt in a way that that is not, you know, egregious, that it’s not, miss it’s not mal intended, you know, but still in a way that is, received well? Again but that’s my concern.

Bernie Borges [00:17:05]:
Like, I don’t want to create the impression that I’m flirting from a mate standpoint to pick somebody up because that’s not my but can I still do that? I’m I mean, yes, I’m asking for myself or I could say for a friend. Right? But for anybody like me, right Yeah. Speak to that.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:17:23]:
Yes. Never stop flirting, Whether

Bernie Borges [00:17:26]:
But how how do I do that without giving the wrong impression?

Kimmy Seltzer [00:17:30]:
Right. But flirting, just the the word flirting in itself, like, it causes alarm for a lot of people. Like, people have a lot of reaction when they hear that word. And what I’m gonna start with is actually the definition of flirting because until you, like, really define what flirting is to you, it’s gonna be hard to actually flirt because if you have a, like, to your point, if you have, like, a highly sexualized behavior associated with flirting or maybe something happened to you when you were younger and you’re scared. Like, I always like to tell people what is flirting to you, but when you look in the the dictionary, this is fascinating, for the actual official definition of flirting, you know what it is? It is to behave as though you are attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome. I think that’s fascinating because if you think about it, that last part is why people don’t flirt. People are worried about what’s next. They’re worried about feeling awkward or giving off the wrong impression, like the things that you were saying.

Bernie Borges [00:18:40]:

Kimmy Seltzer [00:18:40]:
But it’s not supposed to be about any of that. It’s actually just a playfulness and a fun element to you that feels good for you, but that again draws people to you in a very fun and playful way. Now what you do with it afterwards is up to you. You know, I always tell people, like, wouldn’t it be a, like, horrible problem to have? Like, if you’re a woman that you would have, like, 10 guys flocking to you, and then, you know, women are like, health, but I don’t wanna give the wrong impression. It’s like you’re you’re getting way ahead of it. Like, you’re not gonna move on and have a play date with anybody who you don’t wanna move on with. And I I like to use the metaphor of children. Like, children are fantastic.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:19:25]:
They’re natural flirts. Right? Because they haven’t developed filters yet. They won’t look at somebody on the playground and be like, oh, I shouldn’t bother Betsy. She looks really busy or I, you know, worried about what’s next. They’d know. Little Johnny will go up to Betsy and say, hi. Can I play or wanna play? So what happens to us is that, right, like society, our own relationships, things happen that, and then we develop these filters because our walls go up. But when when I teach this stuff, it’s just so beautiful to watch people letting go.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:19:59]:
I work with a lot of high achievers and people who are in their head a lot, and they’re always worried about this stuff. And, you know, really, it’s not about what’s next. It’s not about worry about the past. It’s worrying about what is and that’s being in the moment. I you and I were talking about this. I do these dating retreats, and what’s so fun about them is just helping people get into that flirtatious state. And I actually do a scavenger hunt with them, and I give them prompts where they have to go out in the world and do silly things. I give these, these these little ears to cat ears to the women so that they get, you know, more playful and I give guys little costumes too.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:20:44]:
And initially they’re absolutely terrified. They’re like, oh, there’s no way I’m gonna do this stuff. And then they come back laughing. You know, the women’s hair is a little down. They’re they look fantastic. They’re and it’s just again, it’s like getting out of the head and getting into the body, and really that’s what flirting’s about. Now when I teach flirting, there’s a lot of different elements of it. I mean, it’s the stuff we’re talking about.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:21:11]:
It’s how you dress, It’s your body language. It’s your conversation skills. It’s all of those things.

Bernie Borges [00:21:17]:
But in that in that context, you’re teaching flirting to people who are in a dating scene. So they are looking for an outcome that is, I guess, romantic. Right? Potentially romantic, anyway. Whereas

Kimmy Seltzer [00:21:29]:
But I actually take that away from them. Like, I because really what I tell people is as long as they’re working with me, I we don’t focus on the boyfriend or the girlfriend. We focus on having them feel good about themselves and then they can attract what it, you know, whatever it is they want. And in fact, all my clients will tell me, they’re like, Kimmy, this is changing my entire life. This really has nothing to do with data. I say, yeah. You’re finally getting that, aren’t you?

Bernie Borges [00:21:59]:
Self discovery.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:22:02]:
Yes. Self discovery.

Bernie Borges [00:22:04]:
Yeah. And Yeah.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:22:05]:
It’s it’s it’s beautiful. There’s one of the women I just spoke with actually, and she came on my podcast because I often do these like where are they now episodes so people could hear the success stories and she worked with me and then she went to my dating retreats. I mean, I have a lot of different programs, but, what was so awesome to see is that she was that person who was so riddled in fear of what other people thought. She was constantly worried about, you know, giving off the wrong impression, very in her head, very outcome oriented. And I was just teaching her how to relax, be more in a moment, really focus on connecting with the person, every single person because you never know what connection can come out of it. Well, she just proceeded to tell me that she met a guy she’s really happy with. Obviously, she did a lot of work, you know, as we were working together. But she went to the speed dating event and she went in with that mindset.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:23:02]:
She’s like, I’m just gonna flirt and have fun with everyone. That’s my motto. And she really connected with this guy and he’s fantastic and very different than any of her guys. She she’s breaking a pattern because she’s not so into, like, the anxiety of everything that she’s been, like, dealing with in the past. And she’s like, Kimmy, this is so much easier. I’m so much happier, and I don’t even care what happens because for the first time, I really feel like I have me now.

Bernie Borges [00:23:30]:
Wow. Again, power of self discovery. I mean, who would have thunk that from a dating coach? Right? Because but but you came to this whole profession as a dating coach. And I hope you’re okay with me framing it up that way.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:23:45]:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. No. Totally.

Bernie Borges [00:23:47]:
Okay. But as a therapist, I mean, you were a therapist before you went through your own sort of transformation. First of all, your own journey, which then enabled you to go through that transformation, and then you pivoted to helping people in the dating scene. But you’re still driving self discovery, which is so powerful. And that that’s why I was so excited to have this conversation with you because I wasn’t really expecting that at at first. I thought, you know what? I haven’t talked about dating on the podcast. Right? Let’s talk about dating. And then I came to realize as I binge listened to your podcast and your your content, like, okay.

Bernie Borges [00:24:26]:
There’s something bigger here.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:24:29]:
Thank you. And I’m I’m so glad that you’re getting that too. And to piggyback off of that, the reason why also I’m really passionate about the dating scene is really helping people in midlife who are single getting back out there because it is so daunting and we do go through these, like, transformations and reinventions, rediscovery of ourselves. And, you know, the up until now, there just hasn’t been a lot of focus on people dating in the second act as I call it. And it’s the number one growing population right now. And so I’m glad that there’s finally focus on this because it really is rebuilding confidence again. You know, the funny thing about my story, and I don’t know about you, like, as you’ve gone through, like, different parts of your life, like, I really thought I was a confident person before my divorce happened. You know, I never would have thought looking in the career.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:25:26]:
I’m like, oh, I’m not confident. But when that divorce happened, it was like it was shattered, like, complete everything that I knew that I thought I knew literally was like squashed. And so then it made me question everything, you know, about myself. And I think that’s what happens to a lot of people because you think your life is one way until it’s not. And it forces you to look in the mirror and say, alright. What are some changes that I need to do? And to me, that’s where the empowerment is because you can’t change other people. You can’t change what’s around you. All you can do is is look at yourself and do something different to get a different result.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:26:04]:
And that’s really what I’m about, you know, helping people with strategies so that they break patterns.

Bernie Borges [00:26:11]:
Yeah. You know, I’m gonna share a personal story here. When I was 24, I woke up one day, and I looked in the mirror. I was bare chested, and I did not like what I saw. Kind of similar to your experience. I had a little bit of a belly, and I had no muscle tone at at 24 years old. You know, I was just out of shape. And it was because of the lifestyle that I was leading at that time.

Bernie Borges [00:26:35]:
And, a light went off or a switch went off in my head. And from that day, that moment forward, I committed to regular fitness routine. And that was 40 more 42 years ago. 42 years ago. And from that day forward, to this day, I work out 5 days a week. And I still have, even at this age, have muscle tone. You know, I I don’t have the the belly that I had when I was 24. And so I don’t know if you wanna call it sexy confidence because I don’t think of it as sexy confidence.

Bernie Borges [00:27:12]:
But you know what, Kimmy? It does give me confidence because I work at it. You mentioned this client of yours that she got to an outcome, but she worked at it. I worked at it, and I still work at it. It’s not something that just happens by itself. I have to put the work in. And that’s that’s a big takeaway from this conversation is that people who work with you work at it, and then they have this self discovery, which, as your client said, is much more than just dating.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:27:42]:
It’s so much more. And I love that you’re highlighting the fact that it takes work and it’s continued work. Right? Because each part of our journey, you know, there’s a lot of twists and turns in the road, and it leads us to another path where maybe we have another discovery about ourselves that we have to, like, work on and to never stop growing, to always see this as important. Because, you know, then a lot of my clients get into relationships. You and I were talking about that and then there’s this kind of state of complacency that ends up happening with couples and you end up, you know, sitting, watching TV and sweats, eating Chinese food every day, and you forget the art of getting dressed up and dating each other and sparking that sexy again. It’s so important no matter what phase you are in your life. So I’m I’m glad that we’re having this discussion. The the most profound story, I’ll never forget this because it relates to exactly what we’re talking about.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:28:41]:
It was a woman. It was she was approaching the midlife whole thing. She was divorced. She had been divorced for 20 years by the time she picked up the phone and called me. And she’s like, Kimmy, I have not been dating this whole time. I’ve been just busy immersing myself in work. I don’t really have any single friends. I haven’t even dabbled on any of the apps.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:29:04]:
Like, I don’t even know where to start. Now originally, she didn’t really tell me how she was feeling about herself. She just wanted to get back out there, and she didn’t know how. So she did a whole experience with me. We did an intensive. I often take people shopping and we go out in the field and I teach them how to flirt. Like, I’m kinda like hitch meets whatnot to wear if you know those references. So I this this was an unbelievable story.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:29:26]:
So when she comes here to LA, I realized there was a lot more to her story. And be before we even did anything, I wanted to go shopping with her. And we are about to walk into the store and she starts crying. I’m like, what’s up? And she’s like, I I don’t think I can do this. I said, what’s going on? She’s like, well, there’s something I didn’t tell you. So what’s that? She’s like, what? I cover all my mirrors at home, and I haven’t looked at myself in 15 years, Literally. So I said I totally get now I had I been a traditional therapist maybe I would have sat down did a little cognitive therapy on her and, you know, help her with her vision, and that’s not what she needed. She needed to see herself, period.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:30:15]:
So I said, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to just put these boots on, and I want you to put this jacket on, and I want you to twirl around and just give me 5 seconds in the mirror. That’s it. Just just let’s just try it. So she does it and she’s looking at herself and, again, red dress moment. She’s just staring at herself and she goes beyond the 5. Right, 567, and now tears are going down her cheeks. Same thing.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:30:40]:
But this time it was tears of joy. And she says, I’ve never seen myself look so beautiful. And we’re both hugging, and I’m crying. And then from there, I created a monster because then we we start skipping through the store, and she she was trying things on with the door open. I mean, this is a woman who had body shame, was not feeling sexy. And then we did a photo shoot. We did her hair and her makeup. And I mean, she was on cloud 9 and she went back home and she put herself online with the new pictures and started dating up a storm and she landed a great guy eventually.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:31:14]:
So Wow. Again, it all started with that moment.

Bernie Borges [00:31:17]:
Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What a great story. What a great story. Let’s wrap it there, Kimmy. But first, first, please let the listener know where they can connect with you, where are you, what your world, as well as just any specific tools and giveaways and all that that you might have?

Kimmy Seltzer [00:31:37]:
Oh, yes. First of all, thank you so much for having me. This I loved our conversation. And, yeah, like, I mean, you can pretty much find me anywhere. All my socials are at Kimmy Seltzer. It’s k m m y s e l t z e r. My website is and you mentioned my podcast is Career Quotient. I’d love to talk to anybody who is struggling or just even to have a free session to brainstorm how I can help.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:32:03]:
But the other thing since we’re to actually, this just came to me from our conversation. I’d love to gift your audience my style guides. So for women, these are this is a way for them to determine what body type they are, and it’s just measuring your your shoulders, your waist, your hips. And then my guide goes over what clothes flatter that figure and what clothes to stay away from. And for men, there’s a man’s fashion manifesto that goes over tips for men because men need a little tips. I’m sorry. Like, you guys don’t focus on it enough. And you could just go to kimmyseltzer.comforward/style to pick those up.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:32:43]:
And, yeah, I mean, I think that’s the you know, I do these virtual workshops. Every month I have a new theme. They’re all, like, around dating. And depending on when you listen to this, if you go to stop hating, it’ll show the next workshop that I do. And those are all live and interactive and coed in the Superform.

Bernie Borges [00:33:03]:

Kimmy Seltzer [00:33:05]:
Yes. Okay.

Bernie Borges [00:33:07]:
Alright. Well, Kimmy, all that all that will be linked up in the show notes for this episode. Kimmy, thank you so much for joining me for this episode, a maximum episode. This is a fascinating topic, and, honestly, it it went in a direction that I wasn’t expecting, but I love it. I love it. Thank you so much, Kimmy.

Kimmy Seltzer [00:33:28]:
Thank you.

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